Heartfelt Appreciation

Posted November 26, 2018

By, Jenny Kleppe

On November 2, when there was no school at All Seasons, our teaching staff had the privilege of attending a presentation by Tina Feigal, Parent Coach and Mental Health Professional. Ms. Feigal focused on how parents and teachers can best help children who have experienced some type of trauma. Trauma can be defined as “big trauma” such as abuse or neglect or “small trauma” such as overhearing their normally loving parents fight with each other. Children who experience either type of trauma tend to display challenging behaviors that can be difficult for parents and teachers to navigate. Ms. Feigal discussed how to support children when they exhibit these difficult behaviors, which as we all know, is truly all children at one time or another!

She recommended that instead of giving children consequences for difficult behavior or focusing on punishment, parents and teachers should instead work to emotionally attune to the upset child and focus on strengthening their relationship. When children engage in their most challenging behaviors (crying, screaming, kicking, spitting, throwing, etc.), they are using the part of their brain that is used for survival (the amygdala). The message their behavior is communicating is “I am afraid I am not safe.” During this time, a young developing brain is incapable of using the logical, thinking, prefrontal cortex part of the brain that oversees registering consequences. Children will simply not hear adults giving consequences and the adults are basically wasting their breath, becoming even more frustrated.

What to do instead? When a child is stuck in the emotional state of fear, our job is guide them with love and to make them feel safe and seen. Sometimes that looks like a hug. Sometimes that looks like saying, “I see you” or “I’m here for you when you need me.” It is only after a child is calm and feels safe that they can use the parts of their brain that can make connections between their behaviors and the results.

This is not to say we should do nothing and simply be passive observers waiting for a child’s next outburst. Parents and teachers should be active and proactive during calmer times by creating opportunities for future success.

Ms. Feigal’s calls this “heartfelt appreciation,” which is sending children positive input or messages that make them feel seen, appreciated, and loved. The easiest way to do this is use the following phrase:

“When you…. I feel…because.”

Here are a few examples of these types of statements:

“When you do your chores without me asking first I feel so happy because I know you are helping take care of our family.”

“When you play kindly with your sister I feel so proud because I can see you are trying to share.”

“When you are quiet when Mommy is on the phone I feel so cared for because you understand Mommy needs to have a grown-up conversation.”

“When you remembered to give that toy to your friend when you were done with it I felt happy because you remembered he wanted to play with it.”

When you…I feel…because.

It feels so silly to do this at first – prescribed and phony, even. But consistency with these types of messages to children will form deep rut neural pathways in their little brains, permanent messages telling children “I am smart,” “I am kind,” “I am caring,” or “I am loved.” These “when you…I feel…because” messages are ways to essentially download success into their hearts.

I have been using these types of statements more and more both when teaching here at All Seasons and at home with my own children. My daughter has always been the type to beam at any sort of praise. But these statements go beyond simple, pat praise. They provide specific descriptions of the type of behavior we want to see in our children.  They describe the qualities and roles that all parents and teachers hope children will develop: helper, friend, problem solver, thinker, champion.

My son is very different than my daughter. Daily, he does something to push my buttons, his dad’s buttons, or his other teachers’ buttons. These phrases have been eye opening. When I take the time to make these statements, even for the smallest thing, he lights up and hangs onto the words. Just a few days ago, I told him, “When you got your pajamas on right away I felt so happy because now we can read three stories and I love reading with you.” He absolutely lit up, ran to get the books, and said, “I love reading with you too, Mommy, and I love you.”

Another one for him: “When you cleared your dishes without being asked I felt proud because you were helping.” His response, “I’m a great helper! Can I help you with anything else?”

It is important to note that Tina Feigal specifically stated that When you…I feel…because statements should only be used for positive input and NEVER for a negative interaction. It does more harm than anything else for a child to hear that they made someone feel sad, bad, or angry, even if they did indeed do something to elicit those emotions. So remember- only for good, positive, input!

These statements won’t solve all the problem behaviors, but they will make it clear to children that they are good, they are seen, and they are loved.

For more on Tina Feigal’s work, her books Pocket Coach for Parents and Present Moment Parenting are excellent resources for parents and teachers alike.

Tina Feigal works with families as a Parenting Coach in the Midwest area at Anu Family Services www.anufs.org

Why Are There Kids Here?

Posted November 15, 2018

by Amy Lemieux


As part of our community, it is likely that All Seasons parents intuitively know in their hearts what many do not; for a young child, being in a space full of grandmas and grandpas can be a great asset. But it is a legitimate question and one that is asked frequently. Why did we put young children inside a building full of retired people?
Conversely, the same can be said about the senior citizen side of the pairing. The presence of young children can be a treasure to seniors. Mary Pipher, clinical psychologist and cultural anthropologist, studied the social and emotional diseases of aging in the United States; diseases of the mind and heart, not the body. We live in a society that values independence and self-sufficiency. What happens in a dependent-phobic culture if you are an adult who needs help meeting their most basic needs like grocery shopping, preparing a meal or even going to the bathroom? You feel ashamed, you isolate yourself and become lonely and depressed.
Mother Teresa said, “The greatest disease in the west today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved and uncared for. Western medicine can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the west is a different kind of poverty. It is a poverty of loneliness.”
In “Another Country; Navigating the Emotional Terrain of our Elders,” Mary Pipher asked, “Under what conditions do children, families and communities thrive?” The answer? We all thrive in an authentic community. What do both groups, the very young and the very old, crave more than anything? They crave time, attention, and to know that they matter. The beauty of intergenerational pairing is that the young and the old provide for each other what both groups need, and they are a perfect fit!


Aside from needing time and attention, what do the very young and the very old have in common? So much! Both groups:
• Live in the moment
• Have short attention spans
• Benefit from predictability and routine
• Find satisfaction in successfully completing simple tasks
• Experience joy simply from being together – the activity is secondary
• Have limited agility and coordination
• Love music
• Benefit from physical contact
• Have a limited social filter
• Experience frustration with multiple step directions
• Are egocentric – their own needs are paramount

With these similarities, we see in great and small, but most importantly, personal ways, the benefits of relationships that develop between the young and old. We see benefits for real people, many of them planned and expected, but many surprising and unexpected.

So why are there kids here?

For the young:
“Communities are real places with particular landscapes, sounds, and smells. Particular people live there and everyone knows their names. Children need to grow up surrounded by adults who care for them.” – Mary Pipher

For the old:
“You can have a nursing home that strives for the absence of pain but that isn’t enough. There needs to be the presence of joy. One of the greatest gifts the children bring is simply their unpredictability for those whose lives have become so predictable.” – Don Greener

It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Posted November 1, 2018

By Kylen Glassmann

If you read our last blog, written by Amanda, you have a clear image of Friday mornings at All Seasons Preschool, and the excitement that comes with “popcorn day!” Now, let’s take a trip down memory lane (for many of us, anyway). Picture yourself coming home from school, probably exhausted from the day and all its challenges. You plop down on the couch and turn on the T.V., excited to see his familiar face, his cozy sweaters, and the iconic red trolley headed to the “Neighborhood of Make-Believe.” You snuggle in and wait for another adventure as he welcomes you to the neighborhood and makes you feel safe, calm, and loved. That’s right, I’m talking about none-other than Fred Rogers and “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.”

If you’re like me, these are among your most treasured memories from childhood – maybe it was an after school tradition or something you did when you were home from school, sick on the couch. No matter the occasion, I could not wait for the next episode. There is something so personal about “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” and the way it approaches childhood. It is one of the most unique shows that I have ever seen, and it has been beyond wonderful to witness our young students and beloved seniors join the “neighborhood” together, as we watch episodes as part of our Friday morning popcorn tradition.

 

What about this show is so extraordinary? Maybe it is its simplicity: there is nothing overstimulating or fast-paced about it. It is just a person, his neighbors, and their imaginations. They live in a space where all feel safe and learn from each other. Perhaps it’s the fact that Fred Rogers had a platform to sit in front of children (and adults!) and tell them things like, “It’s okay to feel disappointed.”

It may be all of those things, but it may also be that we recognize that we are part of such a neighborhood ourselves.It’s because Grandma Ruth, who could barely walk herself to a chair one Friday morning, saw Mr. Rogers, and came to life. “I’m going to try that!” she said excitedly, as we watched him make spaghetti using a pasta maker. It’s because Grandma Lou, who often babbles incoherently, looked at one of the aids and said, “He’s talking to me!” when Mr. Rogers sang his welcome song. It’s because all of us teachers watch, with tears in the our eyes, as the children ignore their cups full of popcorn and watch, wide-eyed, as Mr. Rogers tells them to be brave. It’s extraordinary because, as an adult, I still watch the show and feel safe, calm, and cared for. These are the reasons why “The Neighborhood of Make-Believe” continues to fill a special place in my heart – Mr. Rogers transcends time with his gentle presence and accepting messages and reaches all audiences.

So now, as you picture our Friday morning popcorn tradition, imagine children, teachers, and seniors, learning and growing together, all part of our own “neighborhood.” Any with that, I’d like to say, from the words of Fred Rogers himself…

 

I have always wanted to have a neighbor just like you!
I’ve always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.
So let’s make the most of this beautiful day,
Since we’re together we might as well say,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won’t you be my neighbor?