Category Archives: brain development

Heartfelt Appreciation

Posted November 26, 2018

By, Jenny Kleppe

On November 2, when there was no school at All Seasons, our teaching staff had the privilege of attending a presentation by Tina Feigal, Parent Coach and Mental Health Professional. Ms. Feigal focused on how parents and teachers can best help children who have experienced some type of trauma. Trauma can be defined as “big trauma” such as abuse or neglect or “small trauma” such as overhearing their normally loving parents fight with each other. Children who experience either type of trauma tend to display challenging behaviors that can be difficult for parents and teachers to navigate. Ms. Feigal discussed how to support children when they exhibit these difficult behaviors, which as we all know, is truly all children at one time or another!

She recommended that instead of giving children consequences for difficult behavior or focusing on punishment, parents and teachers should instead work to emotionally attune to the upset child and focus on strengthening their relationship. When children engage in their most challenging behaviors (crying, screaming, kicking, spitting, throwing, etc.), they are using the part of their brain that is used for survival (the amygdala). The message their behavior is communicating is “I am afraid I am not safe.” During this time, a young developing brain is incapable of using the logical, thinking, prefrontal cortex part of the brain that oversees registering consequences. Children will simply not hear adults giving consequences and the adults are basically wasting their breath, becoming even more frustrated.

What to do instead? When a child is stuck in the emotional state of fear, our job is guide them with love and to make them feel safe and seen. Sometimes that looks like a hug. Sometimes that looks like saying, “I see you” or “I’m here for you when you need me.” It is only after a child is calm and feels safe that they can use the parts of their brain that can make connections between their behaviors and the results.

This is not to say we should do nothing and simply be passive observers waiting for a child’s next outburst. Parents and teachers should be active and proactive during calmer times by creating opportunities for future success.

Ms. Feigal’s calls this “heartfelt appreciation,” which is sending children positive input or messages that make them feel seen, appreciated, and loved. The easiest way to do this is use the following phrase:

“When you…. I feel…because.”

Here are a few examples of these types of statements:

“When you do your chores without me asking first I feel so happy because I know you are helping take care of our family.”

“When you play kindly with your sister I feel so proud because I can see you are trying to share.”

“When you are quiet when Mommy is on the phone I feel so cared for because you understand Mommy needs to have a grown-up conversation.”

“When you remembered to give that toy to your friend when you were done with it I felt happy because you remembered he wanted to play with it.”

When you…I feel…because.

It feels so silly to do this at first – prescribed and phony, even. But consistency with these types of messages to children will form deep rut neural pathways in their little brains, permanent messages telling children “I am smart,” “I am kind,” “I am caring,” or “I am loved.” These “when you…I feel…because” messages are ways to essentially download success into their hearts.

I have been using these types of statements more and more both when teaching here at All Seasons and at home with my own children. My daughter has always been the type to beam at any sort of praise. But these statements go beyond simple, pat praise. They provide specific descriptions of the type of behavior we want to see in our children.  They describe the qualities and roles that all parents and teachers hope children will develop: helper, friend, problem solver, thinker, champion.

My son is very different than my daughter. Daily, he does something to push my buttons, his dad’s buttons, or his other teachers’ buttons. These phrases have been eye opening. When I take the time to make these statements, even for the smallest thing, he lights up and hangs onto the words. Just a few days ago, I told him, “When you got your pajamas on right away I felt so happy because now we can read three stories and I love reading with you.” He absolutely lit up, ran to get the books, and said, “I love reading with you too, Mommy, and I love you.”

Another one for him: “When you cleared your dishes without being asked I felt proud because you were helping.” His response, “I’m a great helper! Can I help you with anything else?”

It is important to note that Tina Feigal specifically stated that When you…I feel…because statements should only be used for positive input and NEVER for a negative interaction. It does more harm than anything else for a child to hear that they made someone feel sad, bad, or angry, even if they did indeed do something to elicit those emotions. So remember- only for good, positive, input!

These statements won’t solve all the problem behaviors, but they will make it clear to children that they are good, they are seen, and they are loved.

For more on Tina Feigal’s work, her books Pocket Coach for Parents and Present Moment Parenting are excellent resources for parents and teachers alike.

Tina Feigal works with families as a Parenting Coach in the Midwest area at Anu Family Services

Why Do We Do What We Do at All Seasons? A Brain Development Answer

Posted November 10, 2016


by Jenny Kleppe

Why do we do what we do at All Seasons? A Brain Development Answer

Recently, the staff of All Seasons Preschool attended a teacher training conference on the topic of brain development in the early years. The presenter, Deborah McNelis, stressed how the human brain is dependent on having rich and repeated experiences in order to develop healthy neural connections. Ninety percent of the brain develops in the pre-school years, before age five.

McNelis described how the “pathways,” or neural connections between brain cells become more permanent in children’s brains as they learn how the world works through repetition. These pathways that are created are based on a child’s experiences. This holds true whether it is “academic” learning, physical learning, or social/emotional learning.  For example, a child who has multiple experiences of raking a pile of leaves and joyfully jumping into them begins to create pathways communicating that autumn is fun, leaves are crunchy, and hard work can be rewarding. A child who is strongly reprimanded for bringing leaves into the house might create pathways indicating leaves are messy, nature is dirty, or autumn is not fun. Pathways in the brain become more permanent the more the experience is repeated.

What does this brain development research mean at All Seasons? We must create the richest experiences possible and repeat them! Repetition is what allows the brain to develop permanent neural connections. One reading of a story with rich vocabulary is not enough.  One short outside play time is not enough to create pathways in the brain to absorb nature and environmental concepts. One positive interaction with a senior is not enough to build a relationship. One art project is not enough to learn how line, shape, texture, or color interact to create something beautiful.


We strive for the repetition needed to create the permanent pathways in children’s brains that will support all future learning, thinking, reasoning, and creativity. We go to the same outdoor play areas over and over to see the seasonal changes, retry and re-experiment with tactile materials, reread the same books, and play the same imaginative scenarios again and again.

For the child, each experience, though familiar, is a variation on a theme – new in its own way, because the child and the experience are not the same at any given time.  The child brings all her prior experiential knowledge to each repeated experience, laying down a rich tapestry of neural connections.

Our brains are constantly making connections and learning new things. But the most brain development and learning about how the world works that will ever occur is happening right now for preschoolers. How wonderful, how exciting to be a part of that!